Here’s everything you need to know about buying baby and toddler stuff on Facebook groups

If you have ever spent more than ten seconds on any Buy and Sell group on Facebook, you would have already realised that they are some sort of mythical and magical place where English goes to die.

They form some sort of end of days where ‘there’ pretty much works for all three cases, and some of the conversations are more entertaining than Corrie – but what are these people actually talking about? Here’s a quick guide to getting the best possible deal when buying baby and toddler items on Facebook.

‘From a smoke and pet-free home’  – Should you have the misfortune to buy this Moses basket, you will soon realise that their beloved pooch gets through Silk Cut like most hounds get through Pedigree Chum.

‘No time wasters’ – As the seller, they are actually the biggest waster of time out there, who will probably arrange for you to pick up a steriliser, and then block you before emigrating to the wildest part of Peru, or Basildon.

‘Remove if not aloud’ – Nothing draws attention to a post like ‘Remove if not aloud,’ and believe me when I say that there are admins out there would would actually remove your post, your account and your right kidney given half a chance. The best one is when someone posts ‘Remove if not aloud’ and then posts something that is most definitely within the rules of the group. If that was my group, I would just remove it anyway as an admin drunk on my own power.

‘Or near offer’ – If you dare to make an offer for this jumper that is more than a penny less than the asking price they will report you to admin, before proceeding to launch a campaign to have you and your immediate family removed from the face of the planet.

‘On other sites’  – This is usually the forerunner to ‘sorry I didnt see you’re message as I got too meny notificay … notificatsh … pingy beepy beeps’ and sold the bottle warmer to some other mug.

‘Like new’ – If the buggy looked like it had gone eleven rounds with Mike Tyson and then ended up under the wheels of a Vauxhall Zafira when it was new, then yes it is most definitely like new.

‘Full working order’ – Does … not … f*****g … work.

‘On other sites’ again – If they agree to a sale with you, they reserve the right to mug you off at any point because their cousin’s boyfriend ShaShaShaun wants it and if they don’t sell it to him, he will come round and smash their back door in, and they are not talking about ‘that’ either.

‘ADMIN!’ – They are about to royally screw someone on this page, but if they shout for an admin first it will all go away because the admin user is their sister’s hairdresser’s niece anyway so they can get her to ban anyone they like.

‘Buggy’ – Baby or toddler mobile perambulation unit that will probably collapse and fold your little cherub in two like an old Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee routine, because nobody ever used Facebook Buy and Sell groups to offload their pre-loved six-year-old ‘buggerboo’ death trap, did they?

‘Need gone tonight’ – This is a highly sought-after item. It is particularly sought-after by the local CID and possibly Trading Standards as well.

‘Cigs / terbacco’ – Perhaps mum or dad fancies a cheap smoke. Let’s be honest here. Anyone who buys cigarettes or rolling tobacco from some mush on Facebook deserves to end up inhaling a combination of Golden Virginia, Ryvitas, the contents of a mattress, asbestos, Domestos and god knows what else.

‘Baby formula, almost full’ – Would you trust a complete stranger to not have dropped one in that tub of SMA that will probably save you 50p compared to popping into Morrisons? Don’t worry, it’s just your newborn’s health. He can deal with it.

‘No PayPal’ – PayPal has this annoying habit of refunding money to buyers who get royally shafted. The utter monsters.

‘Looks foreign’ – One of the most popular uses for a Buy and Sell Facebook group is to take a photo of someone hanging around with a van who ‘looks a bit foreign’ and then sharing it just to make everyone aware, mainly ‘aware’ of the fact that the poster is a complete bigot.

‘It has a Romanian number plate on it.’ That’s because the driver comes from Romania, you utter simpleton. This seems to happen a lot on parenting groups as well because ‘kids’ and such.

‘Not selling, but’ – Take a seat and grab some popcorn guys, you’re about to see something extra special. ‘What time does ASDA open?’

‘F’ – A lot of people think that this stands for ‘following,’ but it actually stands for, ‘F******g hell I am too dumb to press the button that clearly states ‘Turn on notifications for this post.’

‘Looking for free or cheap’ – They need stock for their ever-expanding Facebook selling empire by posing as someone who genuinely needs something for free, and they also have a deep desire to watch World War Three develop when they post the pram for sale seven minutes after picking it up from some poor bugger who fell for their shtick.

‘Call the police’ – The Old Bill honestly have nothing better to do than dedicate an entire taskforce to Chantelle from Pitsea because she bought a ‘genuine’ Baby Gap dribble bib that turned out to be a delicately trimmed tea towel from Wilkos. I genuinely have the theme tune of Law and Order playing in my head every time I see someone suggest contacting them.

‘Exactly the same as the one in the picture’  – How difficult is it to hold up the smartphone that you are using to post this rubbish and take an actual picture? Oh that’s right, you don’t actually have the item that you are trying to sell you absolute chancer.

‘Can I be next in line please? Have pm’d you hun’  – I am so desperate to save a quid on this Tommee Tippee that I will fully submit myself to your clearly regulated queueing system that the group admins have all the time in the world to act as ombudsman over. Your PM is worthless. Remember that. Whoever knows the seller from the nail bar wins. End of.

‘Nearly new mattress’  – Just what is that stain? Poo? Baby gravy? Barf? Concorde fuel?

‘Just needs a clean’  – Preferably with that stuff that The Krays used to dissolve corpses.

Just remember. If something seems to good to be true, just go for it anyway and give us all a good laugh.

This article was adapted from