Here are ten baby names that you may want to consider if you want your child to get seven shades of s**t kicked out of them when they start school.
IMPORTANT: This list is designed as a bit of fun. If you have chosen any of these names yourself, please don’t take offence, or at the very least please don’t waste your time writing to me and telling me I am an asshole.
Destiny: Your child will grow up thinking that they are a sodding Debenhams perfume.
Jaymee: Your child will grow up thinking that their parents can’t bloody spell.
Keith: Your child will grow up thinking that they are a middle-aged insurance salesman with a Volvo.
Chantelle: Your child will grow up thinking that they were conceived behind a branch of KFC.
Vagina-Mae: Any double-barrelled first name will inevitably end up combined with a double-barrelled surname after Dad is caught shagging that bird who does the sausage roll counter in Greggs. Nobody wants a three-foot chequebook.
Alfie: Your child will grow up thinking that they are a 92-year-old man.
Kai: So now we’re just naming kids with random noises? How about ‘Ooo’ or ‘Raa’ or ‘Fss?’
Peaches: Do you see kids named ‘Prunes’ or ‘Lychees?’ No. You do not.
Trixidixitinkerbella: Any name that sounds like you were off your tits on disco biscuits when you chose it is a no-no.
Princess: Your child will demand a £50k wedding where the bride arrives in a horse-drawn pumpkin looking like the woman on the top of a toilet roll holder.