I’ve got a huge personal achievement to share with you all now. The photo on the left is back in September 2018, and the photo on the right is March 2019 after deciding that I didn’t want to:
– loose five stones in five months taking 132 different fruits and vegetobols in a single capsule
– join other busy dads at 5am every day and grunt like a constipated gorilla
– drink special slimming detox coffee for £49.99 a packet because apparently normal coffee doesn’t have fucking caffeine in it
– pay a fiver a week to sit in a room and talk about my feelings while Janet moans about having a bad week because it was her cousin’s wedding and she went on a cruise
– take a cocktail of scientifically proven supplements that come highly recommended from a guy in a shop who has 24-inch biceps and peanut-sized testicles
– drink aloe vera to cleanse my system because it tastes like walking into the garden and taking a bite out of the nearest shrubbery
– count individual pieces of dried pasta like some sort of deranged serial killer before cooking it all, eating it and then adjusting my daily points total accordingly because I also did 35 seconds of fast-paced walking an hour earlier
What I did want to do however is eat bacon, chips and Maltesers.