Here are 20 safe and natural alternatives to vaccinating your kids against measles

1 Vaccinate
2 Your
3 Kids
4 You
5 Selfish
6 Essential Oil-Loving
7 Morons
8 Who
9 Probably
10 Think
11 Their
12 Talk Talk
13 Wi-Fi
14 Will
15 Kill
16 Them
17 All
18 While
19 They
20 Sleep

OK I was joking. Here are ten serious ones.

Encase them in carbonite Hans Solo-style.

Send them to a boarding school on Mars.

Perform an ancient ‘no infection’ spell by dancing around them and chanting ‘vacca, vacca, vacca’ while gently but firmly tapping their heads with a raw leek.

Contact your mains water supplier and asked to be moved onto a measles-free supply (may not be available in all areas).

Just vaccinate your f*****g children and spare everyone else who might come into contact with your darling little biohazards.

Take up family yoga classes, but the instructor MUST be named entirely in vowels and hyphens.

Remove all Wi-Fi devices from your home. Not only does the signal weaken your immune system against illnesses such as measles, but it can also turn small mammals like chinchillas and guinea pigs into deranged, sadistic killers who will murder you until you’re dead and then go pee pee on your lifeless corpses. The same goes for 4G, 3G and 2G as well. Just stick to WAP on a Nokia 3210 to be safe.

Seriously just get the vaccinations. You know the constant stories about how outbreaks of measles keep happening in areas with a number of anti-vaxxers? Take all the f*****g time you need.

Perform a weekly interpretative dance where your children take on the role of antibodies and you throw Maltesers at them under the assumption that the chocolate-covered honeycomb balls are antigens. Studies show that this step is 23% more effective when you use a background track by Enya.

Oh I don’t know. Switch to almond milk or something. Whatever.