Everyone seems to think that the mother is the most important person in the delivery room during childbirth, and that got me thinking. Although the labour itself is pretty significant, I made a list of all my responsibilities – in many ways the Dad has the most important position out of everyone there. Here’s why …
Cutting the umbilical cord and cracking the stupid joke to the midwife to ‘double check that it was definitely the umbilical cord.’
Pushing my wife’s glasses every time they slipped down her nose due to the excessive sweating.
Pushing the tube back into the gas and air mouthpiece because it kept falling out.
Holding the cup of water constantly so she would never have to wait more than one second for a cup of water.
Saying ‘push’ and ‘breathe’ regularly in case she forgot and tried to ‘pull’ and ‘not breathe.’
Closely analysing the little heart rate printout and saying ‘ooooh is that normal’ every time it jumped a bit.
Pretending to have a degree in midwifery because I’ve seen three episodes of One Born Every Minute.
Letting her know when she did a tiny poo because it was very important to make her aware of this.
Asking the midwives if they had ever seen One Born Every Minute to make it look like I had done some research, before making a total prat of myself by asking if she could have an episiotomy because I’d heard that word and it sounded big and clever.
Assessing the placenta carefully before reaching the groundbreaking conclusion that it was ‘big.’
Making sure that the statutory tea and toast was forthcoming in a timely manner because I was peckish and she probably could have done with a bite too.
Providing skin to skin contact for James until he lost his shit when he realised that my engorged tits were merely a product of countless McDonalds visits and not lactation.