Dear woman in ASDA who thought I was breaking the law by giving my baby a bag of crisps

My 15-month-old baby would like to apologise to the lady in ASDA who was clearly upset and angry after seeing him enjoy a packet of crisps before they were paid for.

Dear judgemental old bat in ASDA,

I’m so sorry if I upset you by flouting the law when I cracked open this packet of Pom Bear today, and I agree that it set a very bad example.

One day you’re consuming potato snacks before a contract of sale has effectively been put in place, and it’s the start of a slippery slope. Before you know it, this minor law breaking has progressed to small arms smuggling or even full-blown genocide.

More to the point, without this snack, my screaming would have continued to escalate to the point where you would have moaned to your fellow custard cream and Steradent fanatic about that as well.

I suppose what I am really trying to say, with the highest amount of respect, is ‘bugger off Doris.’ Yeah, you looked like a ‘Doris.’

Why are supermarkets such a fertile breeding ground for parenting experts who want to give you advice about parenting, regardless of whether or not you ask for it?

A little while ago in Tesco, we had a trolley in Tesco that contained four pints of whole milk, a packet of rich tea fingers, two Kinder eggs, some Jaffa Cakes, a four-pack of San Miguel and a box of corn flakes, along with a child in the seat.

One onlooker was clearly very distressed – from the look on her face we might as well have had parcels of crack cocaine and enriched uranium in there.