As the debate about Bounty Photographers on maternity wards has kicked off again this week, here are ten ways to stop getting hassled by them practically the second that your little chap or chapess enters the world via the ol’ noo noo.
1 – Switch baby for a honey badger
If you can get your partner to take your newborn for a walk, pop a local honey badger into the bedside crib with one of those little knitted hats, and then cover him up with a blanket. When the Bounty Photographer arrives, ask them to check if he or she is asleep … job done. Tetanus jabs should be available just down the corridor as well.
2 – Tell them that you’re more interested in making niche postpartum porn if they are up for getting some shots
As soon as they walk up to your bed, get your partner to pull the curtains, and when they sit down start touching each other and tell the photographer that you are more interested in getting some bouncy bouncy shots for an upcoming issue of Postpartum Poontang Magazine if they are open minded enough. Naturally there is always a risk that they will accept your offer, so at the very least get them to chuck in a keyring.
3 – Pretend their ‘artistic pillow’ is a haemorrhoid cushion
Most of these photographers carry an ‘artistic pillow’ for those newborn shots, so as soon as they approach you just bellow, ‘Oh thank god – you’re an absolute angel,’ before grabbing it and sticking it under your ‘Arris while saying ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.’ By the time that another approved cushion arrives from Bounty HQ you’ll be long gone.
4 – Tell them you’re an undercover agent for the CIA
One major part of the whole Bounty shtick is that they want to get your details to help you sign up for Child Benefit and about 400 billion other things that require your details for marketing. So, as soon as they approach you, fly into a whispering panic and ask who sent them, tell them that they are in danger just by standing next to the bed, and keep looking around the room for ‘red lasers.’ If you are able to swaddle your newborn and jump out of the window while holding your finger to your ear and repeating ‘Red Dog has been compromised’ then all the better, but that garnish is at your own risk.
5 – Demand chocolate covered desiccated coconut
Keep pretending that they are from the other ‘Bounty’ and demand coconut chocolate bars until they get fed up explaining to you. For an added bonus, ask for super-absorbent kitchen roll as well, or Dog The Bounty Hunter, or whatever.
6 – Have a home birth
As far as I am aware, Bounty Photographers are not allowed to abseil through your living room window like the Milk Tray Man with an SLR, so why not go for a home birth? Just stick plenty of disposable mats down first because it can make a bit of a mess and I don’t think even Scotch Guard can do much for placenta.
7 – Tell them that you have already purchased exclusive image rights for your sprog like The Beckhams
When they come over and offer you photos, tell them that it will actually cost them £25,000 per shot because you had your twelve-week scan trademarked and registered by the same company that deal with The Beckhams. If they doubt your story, show them the t-shirt that you’re already wearing which is on sale for £179.99 in the West End.
8 – Nick all the pillows and build a fort
If you time your delivery properly, it should coincide with the linen delivery for the entire hospital, and you can turn your bed area into an absolute fortress. The lighting will be so bad that any photo will look terrible, professional or otherwise.
9 – Cough a few times and casually tell them you were visiting your Uncle Barry in Wuhan last Wednesday
10 – Politely decline
Everyone knows that all Bounty Photographers are trained to leave you alone as soon as you politely ask them to do so, so just do exactly that and I can guarantee that they will not bother you again, because page one of the company manual clearly states that they should respect the wishes of every new mother that they come across, and they all follow this guideline to the absolute letter. Just ask anyone and they will confirm that there is absolutely no chance that they will keep asking you like a Jack Russell who is determined to dry hump whatever you have just purchased from IKEA, no matter how many times you move him away and tell him off.